The Dream Gate Dream
A couple of weeks ago, I had a lucid dream about a high ancient-looking stone wall. The wall was covered with vines and there was a recessed rustic plank gate or doorway. The overall effect was medieval and charming.
It might have been dusk or overcast in the dream but I could see everything clearly. Just above the doorway, I saw a symbol that looked like a triquetra. I even exclaimed (in the dream) "that's a triquetra," except I actually said "trifecta," as in horse racing, because things get garbled for me in dreams. Either way, I was excited because I love all things Celtic, so I woke up in the middle of the night and recorded the dream (and drew the symbol) in my dream journal.
Earlier that month, I’d been told that ancient dreamers were always on the lookout for gateways in their dreams. Since my impression in the dream was that I was seeing a wall, not a building, I felt that what looked like a door to modern eyes was technically a gate.
So I made myself go back to sleep and back into the dream. I found the door again easily and everything was the same—except that instead of the symbol above the door, there was a long narrow sign with lettering.
Annoyingly, I find it hard to read in dreams and I couldn’t read the sign. I woke up again and wrote down the second dream and went back to sleep, but I didn't go back to the door, that night, or go through it.
When I woke up the next morning I was thinking how nice it was that I dreamt about the triquetra which I remembered as representing the Trinity and the Welsh triads and other pleasant things. Then I looked at my dream journal and saw that the symbol I had drawn had three interlocking triangles instead of three loops.
I was pretty sure I remembered the triangle symbol from a past obsession with mythology. I thought that it was probably Scandinavian and when I googled it, there it was.
It was not a triquetra. It was a valknot.
No one is absolutely sure what the valknot symbolizes. Due to its presence on Old Norse funerary items, however, it has been associated with the dead. My thoughts on the dream in light of this particular symbol were that this door is closed and maybe it should stay closed. Or maybe not.
One Gate, Two Perspectives?
And so I say to you, you are Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church, and the gates of the netherworld shall not prevail against it. —Matthew 18:18
Then Holy Week came and I noticed another gate / doorway in the Icon of the Resurrection which is traditionally displayed in Eastern Christian churches at Easter.
The Icon of the Resurrection shows Jesus standing on the broken down gates of the netherworld as He pulls Adam and Eve from their tombs to freedom. You can also see King David, Moses, John the Baptist and others. On the left below Jesus and the fallen gates are broken locks and the devil, bound. This is what Jesus did after the crucifixion when he defeated death.
Dreams are many things to me—a vehicle through which my guardian angel shares information, a template for my creative work, a font of mystical experience (rarely) and more. I have had some unusual spiritual experiences in dreams and I don't always fully understand them.
Some of my most interesting spiritual dreams seem to be about various afterlife locations. And I can't help wondering if the gate I dreamt about symbolized (or opened into) one of them. I also feel like the Icon of the Resurrection may have portrayed a similar or even the same gate, from a Christian perspective.
What Does This All Mean?
When it comes to dreams, the question is always the same. What does it mean?
And the truth is, I'm not sure. I'd had a tough week. Historically, several close family members have died in April including my mother (April 15). Then there is the Passion which is less brutal than it is hopeful but still pretty darned brutal overall.
This year a family member was hospitalized on Holy Saturday with a serious illness and stayed in the hospital through Easter and into this week. Various small and not so small things went wrong. Some people were kind and others were not. I didn’t get a whole lot of sleep.
So I don't actually know if I'm ready to figure out this particular dreams. But I have considered some of the questions it brought up for me. Please note, I'm not asking the dream these questions, but I have been praying and reflecting.
Should I go through that particular dream doorway?
Given the connection with the valknot and the icon and the fact that the gate was closed, I think not or at least not yet.
Should I keep working with my dreams?
I think so. The key for me is to be open to dream experience while staying within the broad parameters of my Catholic Faith.
Am I divining by dreams?
To me, when the Bible talks about divining, its warning against listening to the (probable) fallen angels worshipped by non-Jewish people at that particular time. I'll have more to say about this in a future post (and in the dream book) but the short answer is, no, or not in a bad way.
Should I keep trying to wrap my head around the mysteries of the Catholic Faith?
How can I not?
Dreams can be tricky. Like many other life experiences, they can take us in the right direction or in the wrong one. But I believe they're given to us for a reason and that—as the Icon of the Resurrection clearly shows—God is always there for us.
My Struggle
I worked on the long form of my nonfiction book all last week and by Friday I was ready to give up on it - with only one chapter left to write.
But it wasn't that last unwritten chapter that was at fault. It was another chapter - Chapter 7 - where I talk about my time as an Evangelical Protestant. Or try.
And the story isn't even all that complicated.
This is the short version:
My Experience
I returned to Christianity in 2017. This was around the same time that New Age guru Doreen Virtue had renounced her previous work and become a born-again Christian. I didn't know that then and it didn't play a part in my decision, but it did influence me later.
Doreen Virtue talked a lot about what she had given up in order to become a Christian and while my New Age business was a lot smaller than hers I got it. The metaphysical articles I was writing for the Mystic Review were receiving thousands of views a day and my home-based card reading business was growing. I taught tarot at a local holistic center, ran a couple of different groups, and a had made friends locally in both New Age and occult circles.
On top of that, my New Age persona had become my identity. So when I returned to Christianity, I was trying to figure out where I might fit in.
I joined a few of the Evangelical Protestant Facebook groups run by Doreen's fellow "New Age to Christianity" co-authors and others. I listened to what was said by the New Age to Christianity crowd and other Reform-leaning Evangelicals on Facebook and YouTube. I read books by John McArthur other Evangelical authors.
I began to believe what I was hearing. And the thing I was hearing the most was that the Bible contained the full and complete deposit of faith and that the Catholic Church had completely disregarded this stand-alone resource in order to "make up" her own doctrine.
This belief was possible only because I didn't know anything really about the Church I'd left behind some 20 years earlier.
But I was not entirely comfortable with Protestantism across the board.
My Issues with Protestant Beliefs
I couldn’t help noticing that there was a lot of disagreement among Protestants about the interpretation of Scripture. And I sometimes felt that Bible passages were used out of context in order to prove a point.
I found idea that once we’re saved; we're guaranteed a place in heaven, no matter what, hard to accept.
But the thing that bothered me the most was the idea that God had stopped providing private spiritual revelation at the close of the first century. Especially because I knew for a fact that the enemy could, and did, reveal all kinds of things to humans in order to ensnare them.
To me, the idea that Satan could exert more influence over us than God, didn't seem right. And I believed then, and now, that God did give me a nudge from time to time.
So I was glad to discover John Wesley and the charismatic Protestant denominations. I parted ways with the Evangelicals. I went on to join a Pentecostal church where everyone believed that God was still talking.
I liked being a Pentecostal. But I still couldn't help feeling that there had to be more to getting to heaven than a single salvation experience.
This wasn't what brought me back to Church. That was God's doing. But, in my heart, I knew my objections were valid.
Trying to Write About This in My Nonfiction Book
I have a lot of clarity about Protestantism and why it didn't work for me. I don't have any trouble talking about it on the podcast or on YouTube. I don't even mind writing about it here in the blog.
I also think there are a lot good things in the Protestant denominations. It was the Protestants who taught me how to love Scripture. Not the Catholics. And that is no small thing.
So I was very clear on what I wanted to say about my experience as a Protestant. But when I sat down to edit what I'd already Chapter 7 of my testimony, I felt so overwhelmed that I began to wonder if I shouldn't just forget about writing the testimony altogether, and move on to something else.
But I still felt called. So I decided to pray about it.
I asked my guardian angel to illuminate my intellect. I asked Mary to intercede on my behalf. I asked Jesus to show me if writing my testimony was, or wasn't, part of His plan.
And then, I listened to Women of Grace on EWTN.
Which is something I rarely do.
The First Door
The Second Door
The Third Door
I think that when we have a desire on our heart - and this is just... good advice for everyone. When we have a deep desire on our heart I think it's beautiful to take that before the Lord and to ask Him... to help us to see - is this coming from... a prompting of the Holy Spirit or is it coming from myself? [Because] every Ministry that God raises up, He raises up for a purpose. [So] when we have a desire and we know that it's a holy desire, then we assume that the Holy Spirit is prompting. And as I always told the Lord - especially when He was leading me to give Fiat to what it is that I do today (and I didn't know what it was I just had this tremendous desire that was burning in me I thought my heart would burst... [and] I wanted to do whatever it was...) I made a promise to Him - and I've lived by this promise - and that is: I will walk through every door that You open. You open the door and I will walk through. - Johnnette Williams, Women of Grace Episode August 28, 2023
Update 2024
In this episode I talk about how and why you should share your testimony about coming (or returning) to the Faith. I also share the four step model St. Paul used when he shared his testimony in Acts 22 and how you can adapt that model to your own story.
Learning about St. Paul's method was timely for me because I am writing a short ebook about my experience in the New Age and occult but I believe that everyone has a story and that we should all be sharing it. Whether you share your testimony in a book, a podcast, on YouTube, with your Church or simply with a friend, I encourage you to find your voice and do it.
Witnessing about what God has done in our lives is never time wasted!
For more on spiritual warfare, modern day occultism, and the Catholic faith please follow the show!
- You can listen to my testimony in Episodes 1 & 2 or online at newagetocatholic.com/e/returning-to-the-church-my-testimony-part-2/
- You can also download my written testimony as a free PDF at BarbaraGraver.com/my-testimony
The story of two of my favorite TV Christmas specials and what they have to say about Christmas - and media.
Wishing you and yours a wonderful Christ filled Christmas!
**My apologies for incorrectly calling 'A Charlie Brown Christmas' 'Charlie Brown's Christmas' throughout the podcast!
____________________________
For more on spiritual warfare, modern day occultism, and the Catholic faith please follow the show!
I love this painting even though my favorite wise man, St. Balthasar, is white (and it looks a little like St. Melchior might be saying something like 'I got your toe.")
November 1st is All Saints Day. It is a holy day of obligation in the Catholic Church and one of my favorite feast days.
On this All Saints Day, I went to Mass early and walked home under a gray sky, just before it rained.
I like walking home from Mass - even though the hill can be challenging - because it gives me a chance to think about my confession, if I made one, and anything else I might want to remember.
These are the things I want to remember from today's service:
All Saints Day gives us an opportunity to honor saints who may not be honored otherwise.
Veneration of the saints is one of the things that sets us apart as Catholics.
Thanks to our Catholic Faith, we are given reason to hope that we may someday be among them.
_______________
For more on All Saints Day, please see today's SSPX Newsletter
Screenshot of a Google image of the Chapel I attend (I hope to share a clearer pic sometime soon)
Let not your heart be troubled. You believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father's house there are many mansions. If not, I would have told you: because I go to prepare a place for you. And if I shall go, and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and will take you to myself... - John 14:1-3 (DR)
About Interior Castle
Or maybe it's more accurate to say that what pertains to me personally is mostly in the beginning. So that's what I'm going to write about here.
About St. Teresa of Avila
St. Teresa of Avila was a leader and reformer of the Carmelite Orders of both women and men and the first female Doctor of the Catholic Church. She was courageous. She was articulate. And she was devoted to God.
St. Teresa was born in Ávila, Spain in 1515. She was a noblewoman whose paternal grandfather was a marrano (or forced Jewish convert to Christianity). At age 20, she entered the Carmelite Order. She read widely throughout her life. Her writing include an autobiography (The Life of St. Teresa of Jesus), The Way of Perfection and Interior Castle.
When St. Teresa began Interior Castle on Trinity Sunday, June 2nd, 1577, she was already on the radar of the Inquisitors. That may be why she is self-effacing, in the writing that follows, calling herself foolhardy or wretched, a mere woman writing for her fellow sisters only because women understand other women best.
Or that may be how she actually thought of herself. She was humble, after all. A saint.
And a mystic.
There is a lot about mysticism I don't understand but there are couple of things that I notice in St. Teresa's writing. My first observation is that legitimate mystical experience requires an unusually high degree of personal sanctity. The second is that mysticism calls for an intense and unwavering desire to get as close to God as is humanly possible.
That St. Teresa had such a desire from a young age, is obvious. We can see it in the story of how she set out for land of the Moors, as a child of seven, in order to be martyred and then see heaven. And we can see that same dedication shining through the words that she wrote.
The Interior Castle Framework
I began to think of the soul as if it were a castle made of a single diamond or of very clear crystal, in which there are many rooms, just as in Heaven there are many Mansions. - St. Teresa of Avila, Interior Castle
While St. Teresa often speaks of multiple castles or mansions the model she uses is one of rooms or levels in a greater castle which is ruled by God. The rooms are numbered one through seven, but are at the same time innumerable.
St. Teresa is clear in saying that the castle itself is something which we should not expect to ever understand fully.
...there is no point in our fatiguing ourselves by attempting to comprehend the beauty of this castle...the very fact that His Majesty says it is made in His image means that we can hardly form any conception of the soul's great dignity and beauty. - St. Teresa of Avila, Interior Castle
We also are shown that we should not think of the various floors or chambers in a strictly linear way.
Let us now imagine that this castle, as I have said, contains many mansions, some above, others below, others at each side; and in the center and midst of them all is the chiefest mansion where the most secret things pass between God and the soul. - St. Teresa of Avila, Interior Castle
Entering into the Castle
The chambers that St. Teresa describes are beautifully and progressively filled with light but they are not, even on the lowest level, accessible to everyone.
...there are souls so infirm and so accustomed to busying themselves with outside affairs that nothing can be done for them, and it seems as thought they are incapable of entering with themselves at all. So accustomed have they grown to living all the time with the reptiles and other creature to be found in the outer court of the castle that they have almost become like them; and although by nature they are so richly endowed as to have the power of holding converse with none other than God Himself, there is nothing that can be done for them. - St. Teresa of Avila, Interior Castle
While not everyone can enter the castle, those who do will come through the doorway of prayer.
As far as I can understand, the door of entry into this castle is prayer and meditation: I do not say mental prayer rather than vocal for, if it is prayer at all, it must be accompanied by meditation. If a person does not think Whom he is addressing ...I do not consider that he is praying at all even though he be constantly moving his lips. - St. Teresa of Avila, Interior Castle
Leaving behind the poor "paralyzed souls" who are unable to gain entry, St. Teresa moves on to talk about those in a second group who may (or may not) enter in. St. Theresa describes them as people who...
...are very much absorbed in worldly affairs; but their desires are good; sometimes, though infrequently they commend themselves to Our Lord and they think about the state of their souls, though not very carefully. Full of a thousand preoccupations as they are, they pray on a few times a month and as a rule they are thinking all the time of their preoccupations, for the are very much attached to them, and, where their treasure is there is their heart. - St. Teresa of Avila, Interior Castle
To my mind, this describes most of us. But I found that encouraging because it also holds out the hope that those who develop a true awareness of their worldly state may achieve ground level access.
The First Castle
From time to time, however they shake their mind free of them [meaning their worldly concerns] and it is a great thing that they should know themselves well enough to realize that they are not going the right way to reach the castle door. Eventually they enter the first rooms on the lowest floor, but so many reptiles get in with them they are unable to appreciate the beautify of the castle or to find any peace within it. Still they have done a good deal by entering at all. - St. Teresa of Avila, Interior Castle
The idea that we can be within the castle but still caught up in worldly desires highlights the fact that entry is only a beginning.
You must note that the light which comes from the palace occupied by the King hardly reaches these first Mansions at all; for, although they are not dark and black, as...the soul...in a state of sin, they are to some extent darkened ... because ... snakes and vipers and poisonous creatures .... have come in with the soul .... [and] prevent it from seeing the light. - St. Teresa of Avila, Interior Castle
My Reaction
Remember that in few of the mansions of this castle are we free from struggles with devils ... it is most important that we should not cease to be watchful against the devil's wiles, lest he deceive in the guise of an angel of light. For there are a multitude of ways in which he can deceive us, and gradually make his way into the castle, and until he is actually there we do not realize it. - St. Teresa of Avila, Interior Castle
I think about the poisonous reptiles in my waking life.
Full of a thousand preoccupations as they are, they pray only a few times a month and as a rule they are thinking all the time of their preoccupations, for the are very much attached to them, and, where their treasure is there is their heart.
I think about my own attachments and feel quite sure that I am part of the ground level group St. Teresa describes above.
I remember how spiritually advanced I imagined myself to be when I was involved in the new age and the occult. I find it interesting that now, having returned to the Church, I'm struck by how spiritually remedial I actually am.
My Application
I set aside Interior Castle and take a short personal inventory. I come up with seven behaviors that I would like to change. And I know that I'm right to want to change them. These are things that stand between me and God or at the very least show that I don't really trust him.
This is how I know that I am over my head with Interior Castle. While I know that I will read the rest of it anyway, I also know that it's the first chapter I need to focus on. I remember that St. Teresa said we enter the castle through the doorway of prayer so I know that prayer is the key.
I order a book that Fr. Chad Ripperger recommends called The Ways of Mental Prayer. It promises an explanation of contemplative prayer that is based on of the work of St. Teresa of Avila, St. John of the Cross, St. Francis de Sales and others.
I think about the Interior Castle a lot over the next couple of days. I know it's not especially impressive to find myself stuck in the entryway to St. Teresa's beautiful palace. But to me it feels like a discovery.
________________________
There are several versions of Interior Castle available. The one I've linked in this post is the Dover Thrift Edition ($4.99).
About This Episode
Podcast Episode
Video Version
- To learn more about the SSPX please check out SSPXpodcast.com
- Watch the documentary on Archbishop Lefebvre here youtube.com/watch?v=Cf9oy7wDkms
- You can also download my written testimony as a free PDF at BarbaraGraver.com/my-testimony or read it right here on this site at My Story
- And please don't forget to follow my podcast, New Age To Catholic, on most major podcast apps, if you don't already!
Today August 22nd, 2022 is the celebration of the Queenship of Mary. The day falls on the octave (8th day) after the Assumption and celebrates the coronation of Mary Queen of Heaven.
It is also the the second anniversary of this blog which was started on August 22, 2020 and my birthday.
Usually, in the days leading up to all of that I pause to take stock of my life and work and make plans for the coming year. While I haven't really done that this year, I do know that I want to increase my devotion to the Blessed Mother in the months ahead and to start spending more time on my Etsy shop and home projects.
I don't see any big changes looming in terms of my writing or media. I just want to continue on as I have been. It is my prayer, however, that a renewed focus on the Queen of Heaven will inform all of everything I do.
Thanks to everyone who has been keeping me company on this crazy journey!
The Assumption of Mary Novena is started on August 7th and finishes on August 15th. The feast day of the Assumption of Mary, which is a holy day of obligation in the Catholic Church, is on August 15th.
Novena Prayer*
Eternal Father, you graciously looked upon the humility of the Blessed Virgin Mary, and made her to be the Mother of the Word Incarnate, Jesus Christ our Lord. Grant we beseech you that we who honor her Assumption into the Kingdom of Heaven, may by her Motherly intercession also come to share in the inheritance of those whom you have redeemed by the precious Blood of your Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.Most holy Immaculate Virgin and my Mother Mary, to thee who art the Mother of my Lord, the Queen of the world, the advocate, the hope, and the refuge of sinners, I have recourse today, I who am the most miserable of all. I render thee my most humble homage, O great Queen, and I thank thee for all the graces thou hast conferred on me until now. I love thee, O most amiable Lady; and for the love which I bear thee, I promise to serve thee always, and to do all in my power to make others love thee also. Dearest Mother bring before the throne of your beloved Son the prayers and intentions I ask during this novena.
(Here we mention our prayers. Pray for the intentions of our Holy Father the Pope, and for all the clergy. Pray also for the sick and dying, and for the suffering souls in purgatory)
I place in thee all my hopes; I confide my salvation to thy care. Accept me for thy servant, and receive me under thy mantle, O Mother of Mercy. And as thou art so powerful with God, deliver me from all temptations, or rather obtain for me the strength to triumph over them until death. Of thee I ask a perfect love for Jesus Christ. Through thee I hope to die a good death. O my Mother, by the love which thou bearest to God, I beseech thee to help me at all times, especially at the last moment of my life. Leave me not, I beseech thee, until I am safe in heaven, blessing thee, and singing thy mercies for all eternity. Amen.
The Memorare.
Assumption of Mary Prayer Card
I began the 54 Day Rosary Novena on March 3rd and then, just a few days later, received this beautiful rosary (won in a Twitter giveaway) pictured above. The creator is entering Carmel to embark upon her vocation as a nun. That alone makes it special but I love this rosary for other reasons as well.
I love the fact that it is a St. Therese of Lisieux rosary, with relic. And I was very moved by the centerpiece - because it taught me about the martyrs of Compiègne: a group of sixteen nuns who were executed during the French revolution because they would not renounce their vocation.
About the Carmelites of Compiègne (martyred in 1794): "On 17 July they were... sentenced to death by guillotine. Providentially, they were wearing their outlawed religious habits, since their only secular clothes were being washed on the day of the trial." - From Carmelite Nuns UK Website
I have a pretty typical American mongrel pedigree (English, Scottish, German and Native American) so I don't feel a strong connection to any of the countries my ancestors left behind when they came to America. But for some reason I keep making connections to France in my journey of faith.
Our Lady of Lourdes played a role in my conversion. I chose St. Jane Frances de Chantal as my confirmation saint because I was a young single mom (like her) when I became a Catholic. I picked St. Joan of Arc to be the patron saint of my business because I so admired her devotion and courage. I have recently been reading content by Archbishop Marcel Lefebvre and other related (oftentimes French) SSPX resources.
And I keep tripping over St. Therese of Lisieux - in my readings, at flea markets and, now, in this rosary.
Realizing, through all this, how little I knew really about my confirmation saint, I started reading a bit about the Salesians (an order founded by St. John Bosco and connected to St. Francis de Sales and St. Jane de Chantel) this week.
One of the first things I stumbled across was the fact that St. Margaret Mary Alacoque (of Sacred Heart of Jesus fame) was a member of this same order. This is of interest to me because I love the Sacred Heart devotion and St. Margaret Mary. I also think it's interesting that St. Jane Francis's great spiritual friend, St. Francis de Sales, is the patron saint of writers).
This is not to say - of course! - that French saints (or Catholics) are any better than those from any other country. But I am beginning to think that at this point in my spiritual journey there may be something I'm meant to learn from them.
I will be sharing more on this in the weeks and months to come!
Translate
Social Icons